Humorous Wedding Toast by Chandler Travis

A “Wedding Warning”

Recently I heard Chandler Travis and his Three-O at historic Caffe Lena in Saratoga Springs (which, incidentally is one of my favorite places in the world).

Reviewers say that Chandler can’t do anything with a straight face, and I agree. The performance was brilliant, zany, unpredictable, sometimes crazy, sometimes heart-touching.

Chandler is convinced that wedding vows are too “flowery.” A wedding vow, Chandler believes, should be very much like a warning on a pack of cigarettes. So he has written a wedding vow of his own, which he calls a “wedding warning.”

It is a crowd-pleaser.  At Caffe Lena the audience roared at every sentence, sometimes at every word.

If you’re looking for a funny wedding toast, here’s some fabulous material. But you will need to pick your audience.  If it’s an uptight crowd, forget it. But if they’re  fun-loving and appreciate satire, go right ahead.  All you have to lose are your friends.

It is a bit long for a toast, but you can get away with it if you preface it by saying, “I found a wedding toast by Chandler Travis, which I’d like to read to you.”  Then read part or all of it.  We here at think it’s wonderful.

–Gene Griessman

WEDDING WARNING by Chandler Travis

Truly befuddled:

Stop! You don’t know what you’re doing.

You think my love will protect you from the rest of me; it won’t.

I vow to give as good as I get, and I pledge to doubt most of what you say, and to keep what’s in my heart from you, until it can do the most harm.

When you leave me, you will know that you can survive anything.

If we have children, they will hate both of us at regular intervals, and we will feel trapped. If we don’t have children, we’ll be angry at each other about that, and we’ll feel trapped.

I promise to take for granted; to go downhill, both physically and mentally; and to make you feel even more uncomfortable with the rest of your family.

I will complain about you to others, and, when you accomplish something, I will minimize it.

All this will I do without even knowing that I’m doing it or why!

I will be late; I will lie to you to protect myself; I will leave the seat up; and I will try to get the troth I pledged you back.

I will embarrass you and I will forget important holidays; and it’ll take me forever to understand certain things that couldn’t be more obvious to you.

Boy, are you in for it now.

If there’s anyone else in the world who thinks this is a good idea, shut up, or we’ll tear you to pieces.

I now pronounce you mad at life —you may eat the bride.”

If you’d like to know more about Chandler Travis and his music.

If you’d like to download some of his music

–Gene Griessman is an internationally known keynote speaker, actor, and consultant.  His video “Lincoln on Communication” is owned by thousands of corporations, libraries, and government organizations.  He has spoken at conventions all over the world. To learn more about his presentations, contact us at 404-435-2225 or [email protected]

Don’t get embarrassed using a spurious Lincoln quote.  Here’s a quotation book you can trust:

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“Not only does Griessman give us Lincoln quotes, but he also weaves each one into a little jewel of an essay on that particular subject. In addition, this small volume contains “Biographical Notes” on the main figures cited and also a Bibliography of the sources quoted.” —Wayne C. Temple, world-renowned Lincoln scholar, critic, and author, Illinois State Archives

A stirring, inspirational treasury of quotations from our greatest and most admired president, the book offers rich material for interpretation, reflection, and spiritual guidance. In these pages, Lincoln, famed as an orator, shares his wisdom on courage and determination, compassion and compromise, tolerance and tact—the essential traits that define character. The timeless impact of his words is as powerful as the achievements that have helped to make him an American hero.

Don’t leave yet. is full of great advice from very wise individuals. Check out the other great articles. You’re already here. Why rush off? We guarantee you’ll be a better communicator and more successful if you invest your time here. 



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