A “Wedding Warning”
Recently I heard Chandler Travis and his Three-O at historic Caffe Lena in Saratoga Springs (which, incidentally is one of my favorite places in the world).
Reviewers say that Chandler can’t do anything with a straight face, and I agree. The performance was brilliant, zany, unpredictable, sometimes crazy, sometimes heart-touching.
Chandler is convinced that wedding vows are too “flowery.” A wedding vow, Chandler believes, should be very much like a warning on a pack of cigarettes. So he has written a wedding vow of his own, which he calls a “wedding warning.”
It is a crowd-pleaser. At Caffe Lena the audience roared at every sentence, sometimes at every word.
If you’re looking for a funny wedding toast, here’s some fabulous material. But you will need to pick your audience. If it’s an uptight crowd, forget it. But if they’re fun-loving and appreciate satire, go right ahead. All you have to lose are your friends.
It is a bit long for a toast, but you can get away with it if you preface it by saying, “I found a wedding toast by Chandler Travis, which I’d like to read to you.” Then read part or all of it. We here at whatyousay.com think it’s wonderful.
WEDDING WARNING by Chandler Travis
Stop! You don’t know what you’re doing.
You think my love will protect you from the rest of me; it won’t.
I vow to give as good as I get, and I pledge to doubt most of what you say, and to keep what’s in my heart from you, until it can do the most harm.
When you leave me, you will know that you can survive anything.
If we have children, they will hate both of us at regular intervals, and we will feel trapped. If we don’t have children, we’ll be angry at each other about that, and we’ll feel trapped.
I promise to take for granted; to go downhill, both physically and mentally; and to make you feel even more uncomfortable with the rest of your family.
I will complain about you to others, and, when you accomplish something, I will minimize it.
All this will I do without even knowing that I’m doing it or why!
I will be late; I will lie to you to protect myself; I will leave the seat up; and I will try to get the troth I pledged you back.
I will embarrass you and I will forget important holidays; and it’ll take me forever to understand certain things that couldn’t be more obvious to you.
Boy, are you in for it now.
If there’s anyone else in the world who thinks this is a good idea, shut up, or we’ll tear you to pieces.
I now pronounce you mad at life —you may eat the bride.”
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