Dating Advice: How To Communicate On Match Or POF

How To Say It Right When You Contact Someone On Match Or POF

We asked an individual who has been successful on to let us see his emails.  One of them is below, although some of the details are fictionalized to protect the writer’s identity. Here’s the message:

“When I read your profile, I was very impressed. Let me tell you why. We both listen to NPR, we both read the New York Times, and most importantly, you stated that you are a liberal. I like theater, just like you do. In fact, I just got back from an impromptu trip to NYC, where I soaked up Broadway plays and musicals.

You mentioned Eddie’s Attic. It’s one of my favorite local places. So naturally I am interested in meeting you. Let me know if you are interested.”

The woman who was profiled responded, they emailed back and forth two more times, they exchanged phone numbers, they met for coffee to see if there was any chemistry, they went out to dinner, and they are still dating over a year later  

Here’s why we think this email succeeded. One. He began with a compliment, but it was not gushy. It’s a mistake to sound like you are in awe of the other person.

Two. He showed that he had carefully read her profile, and he made specific comments about them. This particular email did not ask a question, but we think it’s usually a good idea to ask a question about some detail in the profile that requires more than a yes or no reply.

For example, we read a profile written by a woman who said she had hiked in the Andes. If you responded to her, you might insert the question: “What was it like to hike in the Andes?” Or “What part of the Andes did you visit

Three. He did not ignore the political feelings of the profile writer. One of our contributors, who’s single and a liberal too, tells us that she gets long emails from guys who are obviously very conservative politically. “It’s like they don’t read what I wrote in my profile.” The reason this is important is because the nation is  polarized politically. 

A lot of people feel very strongly about politics.   If the other person puts down “conservative” or “liberal,” it means they probably feel strongly about it. If they don’t feel strongly about it, or if they are a-political, permits them to choose “middle of the road.”

Four. He conveyed some feeling–“So naturally I would like to meet you.”

Five.  He indicated that he had a little discretionary money, and that he liked to do spontaneous, fun things;  he mentioned his recent trip to NYC and Broadway productions.

Six. He asked for a response, but without sounding needy: “Let me know if you are interested.”

We believe in studying people who are good at what you want to do, and mirroring their words and behavior.   If you’re just putting your toe in the water for the first time, You  you probably should just do what other successful people do.

Footnote  We believe it’s a good idea to meet for coffee before going out on a real date. .   There are several reasons why. If you’re a woman it gives you a chance to decide if it’s safe.  You probably will know within a few minutes if it’s a non-starter and if it’s just coffee you aren’t committed to a long, awkward meal together

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